When the white knight falls
by lvamp1192
Summary: Merlin's feeling trapped within his own destiny and the pressure is weighing on him. Arthur notices that something is wrong and wants nothing more than to have his cheery servant back. Can Arthur save Merlin from himself before it's too late? **CHAPTER 8 HAS BEEN UPDATED**
1. Chapter 1

ARTHUR'S POV

Merlin had grown quiet over the last week, I saw the gradual fall in his smiles everyday. At first, I attributed it to the new chores he had gained since I became king, but I realized quickly it was something more. The quietness worried me. I can't remember the last time he called me a prat. I laughed silently as the memories of our banters played in my head. My laughter faded though, when I saw my servant's thin frame come through the door.

"Merlin...you're late." I said trying to illicit some kind of response from him.

"Sorry sire." Merlin said in a half whisper.

His response made me feel uneasy like my skin was no longer made for me. I watched him in silence trying desperately to think of what to say to find out what was wrong. That has never been my strong suit. My pride often got in the way, but this was my friend and I don't know how much longer I can watch him waste away.

"Do you know what we're going to do today?" I said slightly loud.

He flinched at the sound of my voice as it filled the air. My eyes caught his for a moment before he looked to the ground. I swear the expression he held was of pure fear. It was silent for another moment before Merlin spoke.

"No sire." It was almost silent.

"We're going hunting! I know how much you love that!" I said with mock excitement. Complain, I thought. That's all I need you to do. Let me know you're still in there somewhere.

"Okay sire, I'll ready the horses." Without breaking his gaze with the floor and with that said he left.

MERLIN'S POV

I can't remember the last time I had slept a full night or ate. Its been a couple days at least. I slowly made my way to Arthur's chambers to start my chores. I was late again, but I hoped he hadn't noticed. I opened the door as silently as possible and slipped inside. I could feel Arthur's eyes tracing my every move, but I didn't care. I knew he was worried but the truth is I am too. I just can't get the visions out of my head and I've lost so much of myself I can barely feel.

Memories of the past few months filled my head while I absentmindedly tidied Arthur's table. I jumped as the sound of Arthur's voice broke the stream playing in my head. My eyes locked his for a second as I focused on trying to calm my heart rate long enough to answer him. I found what was left of my voice and replied not breaking my gaze on the floors of his chambers.

I could hear his breath hitch in his throat before excitedly declaring we were going hunting. Another hunting trip, that's what I needed right now, more nightmares to haunt me as the forests crawl with bandits. I don't even have the energy to convince him not to. I can feel the weight of my destiny crushing me. I leave in an effort to get ahold of my thoughts before riding out, but every time I close my eyes all I see are flames.


	2. Chapter 2: AN

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

HEY I'VE NOTICED SOME PEOPLE FAVORITED AND FOLLOWED THIS STORY! THANK YOU SO MUCH IT MEANS A LOT! I'M SO SORRY BUT MY SEMESTER IS ENDING AND I HAVE NO INTERNET AT HOME BUT I WILL CONTINUE TO WRITE THIS AND WILL POST NEW CHAPTERS AS I FIND WIFI!

HAVE A SAFE AND HAPPY HOLIDAY!


	3. Chapter 3

**hey sorry this kinda stops at a cliff hanger but I wanted to post a little more while I could.**

ARTHUR'S POV

The ride out on this hunt is uncharacteristically quiet and the air around me feels wrong. I could actually come home with something now that Merlin isn't scaring everything away, but even that thought isn't satisfying. I have to get him to say something, anything.

"You're awfully quiet."

I couldn't help but notice again how my manservant jumped at the sound of my voice breaking the still air.

"Nothing to say, you want me quiet any other time."

"True Merlin, but I like having the satisfaction of telling you to shut up."

"Sorry to disappoint, _sire._" he replied with condescension.

I really didn't have a response as the ice within his voice and features surprised me. This wasn't working. I didn't try again though, I figure the best time to get him to talk is when we are camped for the night. He can't really avoid me there. A few hours later, we came to a clearing that would be safe enough to camp for the night.

"We'll set up camp here."

"Yes, sire." he replied and almost as if it was as automatic as breathing set up the camp. Silently. Dangerously silent.

MERLIN'S POV

I hate hunts, it really is utterly boring. Though, I can't find the energy to complain about them. It was out here in these woods that magic seemed the most in touch. It was silent, serene, but you see it was my magic that was already killing me. I didn't want to be in touch with it. I wanted to be out of my sin. To crawl out of it and find someone else's, someone with less responsibility. Arthur says something, and I jump as if the voice filling the air was an arrow coming at me. I reply but I barely registered the statement. I don't care. I'm just so tired. The more he tries to talk to me the angrier I become. I'm sorry I'm not good enough Arthur but I really don't know what you want. How can I save you anymore? I can't even blink without fear.

That night I lie down beside the fire but it's warmth is taunting me. Every time I close my eyes, it's burning me.

_"Please. Stop. Please." I whisper at the ground. Tears swelling in my eyes. _

_I flinch as fire burns down on Camelot. I collapse near some open flames. This is my fault my doing!_

_"What are you doing?! Can't you see you're killing innocent women and children."_

_"Arthur, watch out!" I scream as a new wave of fire hits the ground. He didn't hear me, he wasn't moving! I started sprinting toward him what if I didn't make it? I jumped on him and felt a searing pain through my arm as it hit the descending fire. _

_"Merlin. Merlin. Hey."_

My eye lids fluttered as I looked up and saw Arthur shaking me. My vision was blurry as my eyes were welled up with tears. I looked around trying to avoid eye contact with Arthur.

"Are you okay?" he asked with concern in his voice I had only heard when it concerned the knights.

"m'fine." I said still avoiding eye contact.

"I think you burned your arm. You were thrashing quite a bit and screaming...quite like a girl I might add." he said trying to lighten the situation.

I didn't move I was frozen. Trapped, in the darkest of places. The demons that hide in my mind.


	4. Chapter 4

I didn't move I was frozen. Trapped, in the darkest of places. The demons that hide in my mind.

"M'fine." I repeated quieter this time, still avoiding eye contact, not even sure if the response made sense to the faint ramblings of Arthur from above him. I blinked a few times trying to remember what the correct pace for breathing is.

"Let me look at it Merlin. Don't be an idiot." he said grabbing my arm. I flinched away from his grasp and somehow ended up on my feet.

"I said, I'm fine, Sire." Coming out more icily than intended.

"Okay." said Arthur resigning the argument.

ARTHUR'S POV

We had gotten through dinner in almost complete silent and it felt like the night hadn't come soon enough. I needed the time to process what could possibly be wrong with Merlin. I finally come to the conclusion that the best thing to do would be to corner him. Give him no way out but to talk, to finally tell me what happened to the light behind his eyes. He's just a servant, I don't even know why I care. He could easily be replaced but as soon as I thought it I pushed it out of my mind. He could never be replaced.

At some point I had fallen asleep only to be awoken but heart wrenching screams. It sounded like someone was being tortured right outside my tent. I grabbed my sword and quietly but quickly made my way outside. The wood was silent minus the trashing and painful screams of Merlin. I ran to his side as he was trashing dangerously close to the fire. I flinched as his arm landed in the fire but still the pain did not wake him from the demons that paralyzed his dreams. I tried not to notice the anguish glued to his face as tears poured out of his eyes.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

He wouldn't look at me in fact he looked anywhere but as if he was trying to wake himself out of this reality.

"M'fine." he replied. His reply was automatic something I'd heard over and over since I met him. This time though, I knew it was a lie. I kept trying to explain that it was a nightmare and he was okay. That I was here, I wasn't going anywhere.

"M'fine." he replied again proving that he had no idea what I had said. I took his reply hoping he was at least slightly aware of what was going on around him.

"Your arm, I think you burned it. Let me look at it Merlin. Don't be an idiot." I said reaching for his arm. The look on his face read of pure fear as he flinched so far away from me. I didn't even register he was now standing. I stared blankly up at him before he looked down and muttered some statement filled with ice. There was nothing I could do but say okay and keep an eye on him.


	5. Chapter 5

*a couple hours later*

"So are you going to tell me what that was about this morning?"

"No."

"And why not?"

"Because." he said with such little emotion I almost wondered if he said it.

"Because?"

"Because you're a prat." He said lacking anything that would've made that uplifting to hear.

I had opened my mouth to respond when I heard something in the bushes far off. I gave a signal to Merlin to be quiet and listen though that wasn't really necessary these days. He gave me a look telling me he heard it too. We jerked our horses away from the sound, fearing ambushes from bandits. As Merlin jerked the reigns I heard him grimace in pain, but then it looked as though there was a slight smile on his face. In that instant, I'd never been more bewildered.

MERLIN'S POV

The fear I'd felt this morning when Arthur moved toward me had become a normal thing lately. I can't pinpoint exactly when it started but somewhere between Kilgharrah being released, Lamia, and Arthur being crowned. The more we rode the more my wrist throbbed as my shirt rubbed against the burn. However, the more frequently that happened the clearer my thoughts became. My destiny didn't feel so heavy, it meant that maybe I was alive. That there was more to me than the enormous burden that was my destiny. That I am full of life, and have a life to live, that I'm not filled with just fate. A fate I can't control.

My thoughts were interrupted by a Royal Prat's voice that I can never seem to be quite rid of. I knew he'd ask questions about this morning and I didn't want to answer them. Mostly because I didn't know how. However, I also knew Arthur was pigheaded and stubborn, he wasn't going to let this go. I needed time though, time to create a response. Ugh, why couldn't there be a bandit attack right now? That would be great. Not a big one. Just one that would give me time to come up with a reason for the episode that occurred this morning. "Because you're a Prat." I said in a monotone voice that almost surprised me. A minute after saying that bushes rustled, I could almost laugh at the irony of the situation. Almost.

sorry for the short chapter...just got internet felt you guys deserved an update


	6. Chapter 6

We tried to get to a spot that would be more opportune to fight off the bandits, if they noticed we were there and of course, they did. The quiet woods were disrupted with sounds of swords being unsheathed and clanging. The people in surrounding kingdoms seem to be slightly more at peace now that Arthur is king. Knowing that his heart is warmer than the stone that enveloped Uther's heart. However, some feel that justice was never done and the only thing that would give them closure is if Arthur met the grave just like their loved ones. I could see Arthur taking on two bandits at once. I looked up at a branch that was just above one of them, my eyes shimmered gold and it fell. A couple minutes later, with my help it was over or so we thought.

Arthur looked around with apparent worry, until he saw me standing next to a tree.

"It's okay, Merlin. They're gone. You can stop hiding."he said in his normal sarcastic type manner.

I grumbled as i walked over to him, so unappreciative. Here I am breaking inside, saving someone who thinks I'm weak. I'm so far from that. My inner complaints were interrupted when I looked up and saw an arrow flying toward Arthur.

"Look out!" I yelled.

He didn't seem to hear me or register what I said. I ran and jumped in front of the incoming arrow. Everything went silent as Arthur ran up to where the bandit still stood and killed him. I saw everything as if time had slowed. I felt a weight on my shoulder and a searing pain that I couldn't seem to get rid of but I ignored it. Watching Arthur intently. I could protect him as long as I didn't blink. As long as I didn't pull myself back to reality. In the next minute, I could see Arthur in front of me. I could feel a different kind of weight on my other shoulder. I flinched away from the touch, which sent new waves of pain through my body.

"Don't touch me." I said in a voice I didn't recognise.

"Merlin...it's me. You were hit."

"M'fine."

"I need to get the bolt out, Merlin."

"M'fine." I said wincing in pain as every word and breath sent pian radiating throughout my body.

"We need to get out of her, Arthur." I said trying to get him to forget about me.

"I'm not going anywhere until I know you're alright."

"M'fine Arthur." I shot him a smile that felt foreign on my face lately.

The smile seemed to convince Arthur that I was okay enough to leave.

PLEASE REVIEW IT HELPS ME DIRECTION IT MORE!


	7. Chapter 7

**KEEP FORGETTING...DISCLAIMER: I OWN NOTHING SADLY**

**ALSO HUGE SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE READERS BUT ESPECIALLY TO DELANEY FOR HELPING ME THROUGH THESE CHAPTERS.**

**ALSO LETTING ME BUG HER WITH IDEAS!**

**REVIEW PLEASE**

Arthur's pov

Bandits. Of course there would be bandits. What else would happen? They weren't particularly difficult to fight off I just had to push all current concerns out of the way and focus on the task at hand. I could fight out what was wrong with Merlin after everything calmed down. I cut the last bandit down and looked around trying to locate my manservant. I couldn't find him and I started to feel my stomach pang with worry, until I saw him behind a tree. I joked with him as I normally did, but I didn't see the smile I had hoped for I saw a flash of anger, sadness, and then what looked like concern.

I heard him scream something but I didn't register exactly what it was, all of a sudden he jumps in front of me. Then I hear the unmistakable sound of an arrow piercing flesh and I immediately look to where it had flown from. I killed the man in a rage that I had never before felt. I stood in front of Merlin and he seemed to not be in the same world as me. He was in a daze. I put my hand on his shoulder and saw terror flash through his eyes as he flinched away from my touch. His eyes still glazed over. The way he flinched broke my heart. Why did he fear me? I'd never hurt him...well not intentionally. I kept trying to convince him to let me take the bolt out but he refused each time a new layer of fear and anger came into his eyes. Why won't you tell me what happened to you? He tried to smile to convince me he was fine and I knew I couldn't break his stubborn resolve so I agreed. I also knew though, that we needed to get that bolt out and get back to Camelot.

Merlin POV

The bolt, sent searing pain through my body with every breath and movement that I took. I could feel Arthur's eyes piercing into my soul. This only hurt me more. I wasn't worth the attention he continued to pour into me. I'd hope withdrawing fro everyone would cause them to move on but they refuse. Why? I can't explain to Arthur the weight that lies on my shoulders, the tears I've cried, the people I've killed indirectly. He would hate me, I know because I hate me. All those days skipping service to spend the day in the "tavern", oh how I wish that's what actually happened. My thoughts were interrupted when my vision became distorted and a wave of nausea hit me. I stopped my horse.

"Merlin! You okay?"

A single tear fell down my cheek as much as I tried to hold it back.

"M'fine Arthur. M'always fine." I said softly before everything went black.


	8. Chapter 8

ARTHUR POV

I watched him on the horse as he was in visible pain, though he tried so hard to hide it. He wasn't weak like we'd always joked. He was probably one of the strongest people I've ever met. I could practically hear him thinking too hard about events in his life that I wasn't privy too. I saw him swaying slightly more, then he halted completely.

"Merlin! You okay?" I asked knowing full well he wasn't. I watched as the tear slid down his cheek and that crushed my soul. I jumped off my horse and was next to him in such a speed that I'm sure it wasn't actually humanly possible. The reply, though I was not at all prepared for. One simple sentence could shatter your world. Words can hold more malice than magic of could, of that I was sure. It hit me then, as I lowered him to the ground by some trees that, he was always"fine." Every joke, every death, every situation he seemed to handle better than all of us. Maybe what all of us failed to notice was that he wasn't handling it. He was walking away from it, storing it in his mind for later.

When I got him on the ground, I saw that his once blue tunic was now a purple color, as the majority of it was soaked in his blood. I pulled it over his head so I could see the injury clearer. I didn't have much knowledge in how to care for wounds but being on the battlefield the majority of my life I knew how to care for them enough to get us back to Camelot. I quickly pulled the bolt out and stopped the bleeding the best I could. Patching the wound with the supplies Merlin packed.

After that was over, I looked at my servant realizing I had never actually seen him shirtless before. The first thing I noticed was that he really was too skinny. The next was that his body was riddled with scars. The scars started up on his chest and worked their way down his torso. It occurred to Arthur then, that he really knew nothing of his servant's life. Could these scars be from him working for me? From cleaning my armor and training sessions?

The thought was interrupted when the burn from the other night caught my eye. It was healing but it was more severe than I thought it was. That however, was not as concerning as the series of cuts that went up his arm. Some were really really faded and old but there were others that were fresh. Gotten within the week and some within the month. Merlin was clumsy but not this clumsy.

"A-art..." Merlin's hoarse voice whispered breaking the thoughts that now whirled around my head.

"Shhh... It's alright. You're okay." I replied pushing his raven colored hair out of his eyes.

"Wha' happened?" he asked the level of panic apparent in his voice.

"You were hit with an arrow. I had to stop the bleeding, you passed out."

He looked at me with an expression I was unable to read, then slowly started to inch inward as if he could disappear if he tried hard enough.

"What happened to you?" I asked motioning toward the scars that lined his torso.

"Well, I've always been a bit clumsy." he said with a smile and a laugh that normally would've made me drop the subject altogether.

"I remember mother used to get so mad when she'd send me-"

"Merlin!" I cut him off, my voice coming out a lot harsher than intended.

"What really happened?"

I could see him shaking ever so slightly as tears welled up in his eyes.

"No."

"c'mon Merlin just tell me."

"I-I-I have nightmares...a lot." he started to say, but then his eyes seemed to be somewhere else as his body began to convulse and he started gasping for air.

"Shhh...hey it's okay. I'm here. Merlin. I'm here."

My words didn't seem to have any effect on his condition. If anything it seemed to make it worse. I grabbed him as gently as I could and held him to me. He seemed to calm down slightly. It was hard to see him like this, the one who kept us all afloat so broken, so lost. I realized I never noticed how beautiful he really is. The way his blue eyes contrasted his thick raven colored hair. Beautiful. I kissed his forehead ever so gently. I didn't even realize I had done it.

"No...you can't...don't touch me." he cried against my grasp and struggled to get free. He winced slightly as I let him go and the burn on his wrist slammed against my chain mail.


	9. Chapter 9

ERLIN'S POV

The sun hurt my eyes as I opened them, I couldn't really focus anywhere. I called for Arthur remembering bits and pieces of an attack. Though, when I heard his voice I calmed a little. Then panicked as the realization hit me that I almost once again almost failed at my destiny. My level of terror rose as I realized I was shirtless. That means he saw the scars I'd so desperately wished had stayed hidden. I thought maybe I could joke my way out of it but I knew it was a lost cause. I could feel the anxiety in my stomach turning and the magic welling in my veins. It needed a release I needed to get out of here.

"I-I-I have nightmares...a lot." I said and as I said it they all came flooding back to me. The deaths, the failures everything my fault, because I'm not strong enough to handle this on my own. I could feel myself being lifted and held but I couldn't break the thoughts that trapped me. I heard Arthur saying something but I couldn't tell what. It wasn't until I felt his lips touch my forehead. No this can't happen. No. I struggled to get out of his grasp knowing the hurt that he would feel. I winced as the burn hit his rough chain mail and then the ground. I can't because loving him means I will burn. The answers to his questions build the pyre I will stand on. I let the tears fall down my face.

ARTHUR'S POV

"I'm sorry." I said in a whisper to myself.

"What are the nightmares about?"

"Death."

"Whose?"

"Everyone."

"Your own?"

He shook his head in response, and more tears fell.

"How?"

"Burning. You- you burn me."

"Merlin, I would never hurt you." I said taking a step forward.

He stepped back fear growing in his eyes.

"One day, I hope for a different time. Now though, you hold your father's hate and every time I blink Arthur, I see you, lighting a pyre." he choked out collapsing to the ground as sobs shook his body violently and he struggled to breathe.

I collapsed on the ground next to him and he didn't even try to move away. I grabbed his hands and forced him to look up at me. Tears fell from my own eyes as I stared at him. "I also see you dying in the fire of the Great Dragon. I call you. You never hear me. I'm never fast enough. I failed. It was all my fault."

"I'm alive. Look at me. Alive right here."

"I know, you prat. I can see you." he replied with a small laugh.

"Idiot." I said back with a smile.

I stood up and starting setting up a camp around where Merlin was sitting. I then sat back down next to my manservant and pulled him into my arms. We sat in silence for awhile before I looked at him.

"The scars, Merlin."

"I told you I'm really clumsy."

"The truth Merlin."

"I did them. One for every person who died for me and one for every time I failed."

"Failed what?" I asked him, my voice cracking slightly.

"You." he said tears falling from his eyes once again.

I looked at him with a shocked expression, not really understanding what he meant. He knew he wasn't the best servant but would never say he failed him. I leaned forward and kissed the falling tears from his eyes. "You have never failed me." I whispered as I ever so lightly brushed my lips across his.


	10. Chapter 10

**SORRY THIS HAS TAKEN ALMOST A MONTH I'VE JUST BEEN REALLY BUSY AND I THOUGHT I RUINED THIS SO REVIEWS WOULD BE AWESOME**

I looked at him with a shocked expression, not really understanding what he meant. I knew he wasn't the best servant but I would never say he failed me. I leaned forward and kissed the falling tears from his eyes. "You have never failed me." I whispered as I ever so lightly brushed my lips across his. I reached up and brushed the tears that were still falling from his eyes before leaning in to kiss him once again. This time it was more demanding but still holding the same meaning as the one before it. I felt more in this kiss than any other kiss I had shared with Gwen. Though, just as quick as it had started it was over.

"Stop." I heard Merlin whisper.

"Sorry I-.." I replied.

"No we can't do this. When we get back everything changes..."

"It doesn't have to." I whispered back.

"No Arthur, it does." he said back sounding more harsh than he had expected to.

I just stared at him and I realized he did have a point the chances of this continuing when we got back to camelot were slim.

"You should get some sleep Merlin." I said grabbing his arm as I walked off toward the fire.

"Yes sire."

"And Merlin..."

"Yeah?"

"We're not done talking about everything."

He just looked at me then settled down to go to sleep while I sat by the fire thinking about the events of that day. What had Merlin meant in what he said? Why did he fear me? I thought I was fair, to him, that he knew he was my friend. I'd hoped he knew. I felt tears start brimming at my eyes as I thought about the multitude of scars that riddled his pale skinny body. The secrecy of them didn't hurt as much as the knowledge that some of them, the better majority where self inflicted. I could never understand that. How someone reaches that point. Why would you pick a knife over a conversation? What else was he hiding? My thoughts were interrupted by another blood curdling scream coming from where my servant layed.

Arthur...my friend...promised...hurt me

I heard him yelling through his tears.

I'm sorry...I couldn't. Albion

He began shaking as if almost in complete agony. I tried to wake him up in fear of his wound reopening.

"Merlin...hey...hey. Wake up."

"Arthur?" he said confused then it's like the realization hit him and his eyes glazed over like they had been days before.

"Mer-"

"I'll keep watch you get some sleep sire." he said walking away from me.

"Merlin...look at me." I called after him softly.

He turned around the tears still falling.

"Goodnight sire." he said turning back around and sat on a rock staring off into the distance.

I realized how tired I was, "Goodnight my friend." I replied laying on the ground watching him, deciding we would talk tomorrow.


End file.
